What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 09:24
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Would this be the day?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were not on the streets..
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
How do I explain to my husband that my 19-year-old son has accidentally gotten me pregnant?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I waited trembling.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And i lived it daily.
I was very sick at this time too.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
How do I convince flat earthers that the earth is round?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
What are some common examples of human hypocrisy?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Comes on , in middle age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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So, i spoilt her more .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She married twice! .
Why does Filipino culture dictate that parents should be treated as gods?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My life is so biszare .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Put me off passion for life!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He resisted the act ,that day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I couldn’t, believe it.
She loved him until the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It was going to be , some day.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I write beautiful poetry .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was seconnd youngest,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I said to her
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But, we were locked up after school.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it wasn’t much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Who then, do I blame.?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
All the time i was locked up.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When she asked me how she looked .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My family never makes their pension either.
I was scared of men, in general
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im still living with it.
We all went to grammer schools
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I think the readers, may guess!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So whats the point in blame.
I don,t even have a pension.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was in good health!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She wouldn,t have been !
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Ive learnt so much.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was 9 years of age.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What did i know ?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One cannot live in the past .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He knew the spot.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I have no regrets .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.